Finally A Ban I'm Literally Fine With

New York City bar bans customers who use the word 'literally'

Boomers and Gen Zyklon, a Gen X Metaphor

Too funny - read it all there:

Baby Boomers as Explained by Gen X

And Don't Forget to Connect the Brain-taps

Libscars

Wait While I Check My Odometer...

Ed Driscoll:

HAVEN’T WE ALL HAD DAYS LIKE THIS? Pennsylvania man, 89, heads out to store, ends up in Alabama.
We’re lucky: another 400 miles, and Pennsylvania Man could have ran into Florida Man, thus causing the destruction of the universe as we know it.

Alabama's nice...

I Think I Can Use This Sentence Somewhere

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Too Funny

Rio officials had to open Olympic Stadium with bolt cutters after losing key

And Now For Something Different

False Flag in the Men's Room

Mil-len-nia-Ls

Most Important Jokes?

Newser refers to the Vulture's round-up of 100 important jokes. But I got these from the comments:

The best anti-joke is:

What is the difference between a duck?

One of its legs are both the same.


Best joke EVER.
When the Iranians released the hostages in 1980, an Air Force corporal was one of those released. A newsman asked him "do you think you'd ever like to return to Iran?"
The guy answered "Only in a B-52".


John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face? ba-da-bing


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Who are you, and how did you get in here!?"

"I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith." ~Police Squad

I'm not sure what makes a joke "important", but I like to laugh. And my spouse and I use the "Shirly" joke on each other all the time.

This is Satire...

...isn't it?

World Begs U.S. To Use Military Force in Syria So They Can Bitch About It Later

"NEW YORK — World leaders met at the United Nations today to beg the United States to use military force to stem the ever-growing humanitarian disaster in Syria, knowing full well they will then turn around and blame the US shortly thereafter.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon said, “We call upon the world’s greatest nation — the United States — to help bring peace to this terrible civil war, because, fuck it, none of us want to.”

“And the best part is, when this whole thing goes to hell in a handbasket — which, quite frankly, happens almost every time you intervene in a multi-sided civil war in a God-forsaken third-world country — none of us are responsible for it!” Ki-Moon added.

The “Blame America First” policy is a time-honored tradition in international relations, dating back to the outrage over the US Air Force’s targeted bombing campaign against the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, followed by consternation over America’s idleness while the same Khmer Rouge murdered millions of their own countrymen.

“It’s pretty shameful, but hey, it got me a Pulitzer prize,” said Sydney Schanberg, whose two-faced coverage of the war in Cambodia in the New York Times inspired the Oscar-winning film, The Killing Fields.

“Amateurs tend to blame America first and then they’re done with it,” said anti-war MIT Professor Noam Chomsky. “Just this past week, Vox’s Amanda Taub blamed the U.S. for the entire Syrian Civil War instead of blaming, well, the Syrians themselves.”

“But that’s the type of ‘Blame America First’ coverage that gets you a few thousand clicks at best,” Chomsky continued. “If you really want Oscars, Pulitzers, and charity donations, you have to sucker the US into intervening, then blame America!”

“Just look at Somalia: Send the U.S. military to help deal with a famine, then, boom! A firefight, a downed Black Hawk helicopter, and before you know it, a blockbuster movie from Michael Bay!” he concluded.

Schanberg pointed to the fact the “Blame America First” strategy hasn’t always mired America in pointless tribal conflicts.

“We thought we had a real winner with the whole ‘Stop Kony’ campaign, and even the whole ‘Bring Back Our Girls’ thing. But the US just responded with a whole bunch of Twitter hashtags,” Schanberg said.

“Which just goes to show you, for Obama, black lives just don’t matter, I guess.”

British Labour Party candidate Jeremy Corbyn had already prepared a statement denouncing U.S. actions should it, indeed, be suckered into sending military forces to resolve the Syrian refugee crisis.

“The U.S. has flagrantly placed its flag all throughout the world: invading Iraq, Afghanistan,” Corbyn said. “Just who do they think they are? Us?”

It has to be satire: none of these people would admit to what they do in real life.

Outrage In Abeyance

"Today we found out that Jericho isn't Cecil's brother and is still alive. The last question left: is he also a lion? "

How can we be outraged when they pull the rug out from under us? I'm outraged at that!!!!

Potential Write-In Candidate

The Man We Need: Kickass J. Biteme, Presidential Candidate

"I'd like you to meet Kickass J. Biteme, candidate for President of these United States.

Mr. Biteme — or Kick, as he prefers to be called — says what he thinks. And what he usually thinks is that American politics is petty, venal bullshit.

Kickass tells it like it is. He calls out the media for a pack of smug, entitled scribblers every day. He knows how we can deal with America's enemies: blow them right the fuck up, instanter. He kicks over the trough of slops from which Congress feeds and mocks their pretensions. He knows how to cure ever social ill, how to meet every challenge: do something fast and muscular, and stop talking. He has no truck with carefully crafted campaign statements.

"But why do I need Kickass Biteme?" you might ask. "Trump's my man."

Well, sure. Trump's got a decent shot at winning your id's vote. Trump's sure of himself. Trump's loud. But Trump's a real person, and therein lies his flaw. The realities of his past disrupt the sweet song of our viscera. Kickass Biteme's got no baggage. When Kick rants about government for sale, we won't be troubled by reminders that he's been a frequent buyer. When Kick vents against the target of the day, we won't have to remember that he was sucking up to them a moon's turn ago when it suited his purposes. When Kick blasts manufacturers for sending jobs overseas, nobody's going to be handing around polos with his vulgar insignia made by Laotian eight-year-olds. When Kick cuts a sneering interviewer off at the knees, we can be confident that it's robust American moral vigor, not just the latest thread in a tired pattern of childish petulance. Kick is pure. Kick isn't a poseur.

Since the ballot doesn't (yet) have a box for "none of the above," Kick is the word and the way — Kick is the guy we back to say "not a single one of you lying narcissistic motherfuckers deserves anything more than a boot in the ass." Kick is the way we ask "why should we pretend be happy that it's time to choose between the clap and a crowbar to the nuts again?" Kick's how we express our outrage at the naked emperor, at the sordid, venal pantomime of American politics — without the cognitive dissonance of endorsing someone who is, themselves, clearly full of shit, someone who is just clever and cynical enough to see our disgust as a distinct voting bloc.

Vote Kick in 2016. Accept no imitations. "

If you read this far, be kind and give the author a click at the LINK.

SMOD2016 - Candidate for Everyone

SMOD2016

This changes everything.

Funny... For Now

Two rival self-driving cars have close call in California

" As the Delphi vehicle prepared to change lanes, a Google self-driving prototype - a Lexus RX400h crossover fitted with similar hardware and software - cut off the Audi, forcing it to abort the lane change, Absmeier said.

The Delphi car "took appropriate action," according to Absmeier."

Isn't that standard driving procedure in CA?

Looking For Oppression In All The Wrong Places

When nothing is naughty, there's only one place left to look, if you want to be scorned.

I’m Sooo Bored of Being Gay

All the best sex – in fact, all the best things in life – are transgressive and naughty. But there’s a problem when forbidden fruits go mainstream. When you teach yourself to be excited solely by transgressive acts, and end up only really happy when you’re breaking rules or upsetting someone, you’re at the mercy of changing fashions.

Today, thanks to society’s endless mollycoddling and celebration of “alternative” lifestyles, the joy of rebellion is drying up for me. You see, I only plumped for homosexuality to irritate my parents. But now even they are fine with it. A few years ago, my mum said, perhaps cannily, “All I want is for you to be happy.”

That came as devastating news. Because my sexuality was never about maternal acceptance, but rather the mischievous and incorrigible pursuit of social censure and the threat of being cut out of the will. Now my gayness was not only roundly applauded by wider society but even my own parents, what was the point?

So I find myself in the perplexing position of asking: what’s next? Casting my eye around modern Britain, in the last few months I’ve been on the look-out for the most marginalised, ridiculed and socially ostracised slice of the population. And I think I’ve nailed it: it’s time for me to become a straight white male.

No other subset of the populace is as relentlessly maligned and demonised as those with the misfortune of being born white, straight, and a man. They are constantly bashed in the media, on the internet, and even at schools and universities, where there are very real structural disadvantages these days to being a boy.

It pains me to admit that, in today’s permissive culture, it is easier to be an outrageously gay man than it is to present with the symptoms of so-called toxic masculinity. By pure accident of birth, your skin colour, sexuality and sex can today be used with impunity against you, to dismiss your opinions and even pay you less at work: under the age of 30, women now earn more than men for the same jobs in both Britain and America.

Since gay people have been so endlessly praised, flattered and catered to by the media and politicians, I’ve lost interest in sleeping with men. I want to feel oppressed again! That’s why, from today, I’m going to make a go of being straight. Wish me luck!

How can you be a rebel, when everything is acceptable?

International Humor

Instapundit:

CATS AND DOGS, LIVING TOGETHER: OPEC Complains That United States Is Pumping Too Much Oil. “We are often reminded that in today’s multilateral world, where continents, regions and countries are increasingly becoming interconnected, there is little room for unilateral action, especially in the vast and intricate world of commodity trading. Today, operating purely through self-interest is quite simply frowned upon. As the old adage says, a problem shared, is a problem halved. Yet, when it comes to the supply of petroleum, there is a stubborn willingness of some non-OPEC producers to adopt a go-it-alone attitude, with scant regard for the consequences.”

Heh. But wait, it gets better: Egyptian TV Host Begs Netanyahu To Bomb Iran.

You know, this “smart diplomacy” stuff may not be working out very well, but it’s damn entertaining.

Sometimes I Can't Resist

Hitler Finds Out About Brian Williams...

U.S. Department of the Internet

Is here for YOU!